How To Handle Conflict – Part 1
Resolving conflict with other Christians
We will always be part of a community, consequently friction, misunderstanding and conflict in our relationships are simply inevitable. We can always get our answers from scripture about issues that affect our relationships with people. The Bible offers guidance for peaceful resolutions in disputes, whether they be horizontal relationships in which you have equal standing with the other party or vertical relationships in which you or the other party have greater standing in terms of the power dynamics.
Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone. (Romans 12:17-18, NLT)
Paul challenges us in Romans 12 to live a life that is worthy and receptive of God’s gift to us. One of his commands is that we should conduct our lives in an honourable manner and this should be visible to everyone. He goes on to tell us that we should use everything within our capacity to live in peace with others. In other words, we shouldn’t be the cause of conflict or lack of peace in our relationships and community. It reminds me of Proverbs 6:16-17, NIV which talks about the seven things the Lord detests, number seven being “a person who stirs up conflict in the community”. It is not a good testimony about our lives as believers if we are renowned for always provoking conflict and discord.
I know forgiveness could be challenging and sometimes I fall short too, but it is possible. This is what we are commanded to do and it is the standard God has set for us. We are to forgive unlimited times (Matthew18:21-22)
We should have a mindset to live peaceably with everyone, but if for one reason or the other there is a breakdown in our relationships, we should be willing and ready to make amends where we can or come to a peaceful resolution. We start by looking inwards, and “removing the log out of our own eyes” (Matthew 7:5) before pointing accusing fingers at others. When we believe we have been wronged by another, we may be prone to overlooking our own flaws or the role we might have played in the conflict. It is human nature to minimize or justify our weakness while exaggerating that of others. If we look inwards a little more and become truthful about our conduct and character, many minor disputes among believers can be resolved without escalating. How we react when people wrong us is a reflection of our weak flesh and not necessarily what was done to us. Ask yourself “how would I feel if someone did that to me or said this to me?”. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person and you might have a better understanding of why there’s a misunderstanding. It is important that you ask for forgiveness from the other party if you have wronged them and take actions to show you are truly sorry where necessary. If we truly yield our lives to the voice of the Holy Spirit, He will speak to our hearts when we fall short of God’s standard for us and prompt us to confess and be restored to fellowship with God.
God forgives our sins, therefore as children of God, we should be merciful and forgiving when people wrong us. The role of forgiveness in conflict resolution cannot be overemphasized. When we forgive, we aren’t sweeping the issue under the rug, rather we are refusing to give the devil a foothold over our emotions, thoughts, and conduct. Sustained unforgiveness breeds hate, you are handing over your heart to the devil when you choose not to forgive. You can’t hand over your heart to the devil and walk uprightly before God. Nothing is worth losing your relationship with God over, including unforgiveness. I know forgiveness could be challenging and sometimes I fall short too, but it is possible. This is what we are commanded to do and it is the standard God has set for us. We are to forgive unlimited times (Matthew 18:21-22).
In Matthew 18:15-20, Jesus gives us a template for handling conflict within the Church or among believers. First, approach the party involved (Matthew 18:15). Sometimes people are more open to listening to our concerns when we approach them on a one-on-one basis respectfully and choose our words wisely. Talk about the problem rather than blaming them or taking a swipe at their personality. Don’t approach them in an antagonistic manner, remember that “a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). I will also add that you should do this as quickly as you can (Matthew 5:25).
If they are not willing to come to a peaceful resolution, take one or two other believers with you to speak to them (Matthew 18:16). This could bring a fresh perspective or a neutral point of view that encourages the other side to seek reconciliation. Sometimes a neutral perspective exposes our own biases. In seeking out honourable people to assist you, make sure you do not run down the other party or malign their character. Remember the goal of involving other believers is to achieve a peaceful resolution and not to show you are better in your conduct. Prayerfully seek out those you can include in this process with the sole intent of reconciliation.
How we react when people wrong us is a reflection of our weak flesh and not necessarily what was done to us. -How To Handle Conflict – Part 1 #prunedlife Click To TweetIf they are still not willing to resolve the issues, tell it to the church (Matthew 18:17). Regarding this point, churches today have guidelines on how this works. Telling it to the church in the context of today could mean informing your church leader or pastor assuming both of you belong to the same church community or submit to the same spiritual leadership.
Now, if all attempts at reconciliation fail even though they were made in sincerity, meaning the party or parties involved have refused to accept the resolution of the church or spiritual leaders, treat them or the situation as though it is with an unbeliever (Matthew 18:17). Remember that this principle for resolving conflict among believers in Matthew 18:15-20 is on the premise that the parties involved submit to the same spiritual authority of the bible.
The next question therefore is, how do we handle conflict with an unbeliever? Is it right for a Christian to sue another Christian? We will try to answer these questions in Part 2 of this topic.
Depending on your context, there could be nuances when following the guidelines for resolving conflict in Matthew 18:15-20, but it gives us a general idea of how to address conflict with other believers. Permit me to borrow the words of Stanley Saunders of Working Preacher
“The process described in Matthew 18:15-17 is a concrete example of a careful, orderly, and, most important, persistent means of dealing with kinds of interpersonal conflicts that lead to “binding and loosing” (18:18-19). The process Jesus describes resembles, and has been a foundation for, modern practices associated with ‘restorative justice,’ which focus less on punishment and more on the restoration of dignity and wholeness for both the conflicted parties and their communities.”
–Stanley Saunders
The encouraging aspect of Matthew 18:15-20 is the promise found in verses 18-20, that God is with us and that He will answer our sincere prayers about reconciliation and resolving our conflict.
“Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gathers in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:18-20, NIV
It is saying that God approves whatever decision or resolution the disputing parties arrive at even if only two or three witnesses are privy to the reconciliation effort, as you followed the process outlined from verses 15-17. This might not be relatable to us today, but it would have made sense to the Jews because it follows the principles set in Deuteronomy 19:15-17, which was put in place to deter false witnessing or wrongful accusation.
While studying and writing about this topic, I recalled the times I did not put up my best effort in resolving conflicts with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I sincerely hope you have learned something about resolving conflict. If we can faithfully follow the principles set for us in the scripture, we would live a healthy Christian life. My prayer is that the Holy Spirit will prompt our hearts towards humility and reconciliation when we find ourselves in any conflict with our brothers and sisters, Amen.
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A very great read, Thanks. My question is: how do you resolve conflicts, when the other person is of a higher stand/authority? For example, the person is a church leader and he/she is not open to hear you out.
Thank you for reading. An interesting question, please pardon me, this will be lengthy. I will try to answer to the best of my understanding. Please also share if you have more contributions to the questions.
There is no blanket answer to this because each situation or breakdown of relationship is different. There are so many factors to consider that are unique to each situation in order to arrive at the best practical solution. However, there are principles from scripture we can adopt to help us navigate such issues in a wholesome and graceful manner.
First, the principles from Matthew 18:15-20 can be applied to resolving conflict in any kind of relationship among believers, including with our leaders (of course considering the context of each relationship and the nuances).
I want to assume your question speaks to an environment, i.e., the Church. From my experience, every church has a “culture” or mode of operating that may not be obvious. Some are obvious and well spelt out, others are not. I will say if they are well spelled out, exhaust the mechanisms put in place by the church. For profoundly serious issues, some churches have a board or elders that can be approached for mediation or reconciliation.
Usually, the prevailing culture from an environment also seeps into the church in terms of the church administration. For instance, in very conservative cultures, privately or publicly disagreeing with a leader or elder is not welcomed and harshly condemned or punished. A church in that environment may have leaders not open to listening to those they lead because that is the only way they understand the relationship between leadership and the led. Since the church should be a safe place, a place of refuge, worship, prayer, teaching, comfort, and joy, it is our duty to make sure we yield our lives to Christ. This way, we (the church) can be transformed to the image of Christ and not the culture of men. Typically, if you are in a church where your leaders are not accountable to no one or there are no mechanisms in place to check abuse of authority, you may not be in a healthy church environment (I say this with every sense of humility).
In Galatians, Paul gives an example of how you can be accountable as a leader, and how you should approach leaders as someone being led.
“God gave me a clear revelation to go and confer with the other apostles concerning the message of grace I was preaching to the gentiles. I spoke privately with those who were viewed as senior leaders of the church, wanting to make certain that my labor and ministry for the Messiah had not been based on a false understanding of the gospel” Galatians 2:2, TPT.
1) Paul as a leader met with leaders of the Church privately. (I am not assuming that you did not meet privately with the church leader, I am reiterating the principle in Matthew 18:15). If you have a cordial and open line of communication with your leader, it becomes useful when resolving conflict. Beyond the sole purpose of resolving conflict, do you maintain an open line of communication with your leader that is cordial?
2) Paul as someone being led submitted to authority and was accountable to a leadership. If you have a leader who cannot submit to authority or any system of accountability in the church, then there is a problem.
If a church leader won’t be willing to at least hear out those they lead, it speaks more about their character or the kind of leadership they provide. A wise leader will be willing to listen to what those they lead have to say even when it does not favour them. (Proverbs 10:8).
Prayer is an important resource (I talk about this in Part 2 that is yet to be published). There is nothing we cannot pray about. Praying about the situation or the church leader can go a long way in yielding a positive result or solution. Prayer from a place of love and true reconciliation/solution and not just to have our own way. Like I said earlier, these principles can apply to any situation and if we all submit to the authority of the bible and not our selfishness, ego, or pride, we should be able to come to a peaceful resolution when we disagree with our brother and sisters in Christ.
PS. I should add that Paul displayed a good example when he unknowingly spoke evil of the high priest. He apologized for it (Acts 23:1-5) and I think this principle should also guide us when we relate to our leaders. We must be careful of our speech and choose our words carefully even when resolving conflict.
Thank you for sharing with us.